The Atonement

I haven't posted in a long time. Over the last few months, I have come to understand my sexual identity a lot better. One thing that has particularly helped me recently was an essay I was assigned in my Religions Class. The essay was about the Atonement, and what it has done for me. This was shockingly difficult for me to do. Part of that is due to the fact that I have been distancing myself from God lately. I haven't read the Book of Mormon in at least a month. Prayers are sporadic, in short I am not doing anything to help myself out.

While contemplating the essential nature of the Atonement to the Plan of Salvation, holes started appearing in my knowledge of The Plan. We are sent here to start a family, and have children. Temple Marriage is essential. Eternal Increase. Adam and Eve. Suddenly I realized that I do not understand how I fit into this plan. How can I, someone who is not sexually attracted to women, ever create a family? How can I get married in the temple with out the constant fear that, due to my homosexuality, the union will shatter? Do I even want temple marriage? The more I thought about it the more confused I became, and the more frustrated.

Eventually I found myself awake, pondering this issue, and I was inspired to write the essay with complete honesty, telling the truth about my confusion, and coming out to my professor. I did just that, at 1 AM, and would like to share just the last paragraph with you.

"As a gay member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, I have many incredibly unique challenges and struggles. There are things that I deal with in my everyday life that my mother, father, brothers, grandparents, friends, best friends, bishop and Elders Quorum President can never understand. At times I feel completely alone, a distorted island in the middle of a serene, perfect ocean. It is times like this that I am gently, of in the case of this essay, not so gently, reminded of my Savior. He does not have to go through my life's experience to know exactly how I feel. He is a God. In my darkest hour, when I feel most alone, The Man of Sorrows has been there, and is there with me. This can bring me incredible comfort. It I also through this Atonement that I have learned more about myself. I know that through the Atonement of Jesus Christ, the dichotomy within me will one day be in harmony. My faith in his Plan leads me to believe that like those who died before Christ's ministry was completed, I too will be given the opportunity to claim all of the beautiful blessings given to me as a Son of God. Though situations on this mortal earth beyond my control seem to make that impossible, I believe that through the Atonement, I will receive these sacred blessings."

More to come.

First Post

My name is John Bailey, and I am bisexual. Well, that's not entirely true. John Bailey is not my real name, and I might not even be bisexual, so, right now, you know almost nothing about me. Let me explain further.

I am very attracted to men. I would say 90/10 in favor of guys. I have also had a long term girlfriend, and I was sexually attracted to her. It is my dream to marry a woman in the temple, and to start a family with her, the traditional LDS life, with a dog, some kids, and a white picket fence. When I am being completely honest with myself though, I fear that I am-buried deep down-completely and totally gay; I just dont want to admit it. Keeping that (sort of) straight window open is my way of keeping the snow off of the road to my miracle, and my white picket fence. Either way, I am conflicted, and trying to figure out who I am.

Now for my name. I feel that I need to be completely honest with myself, and with all of you. Sure I am ashamed of many things I have done, but my pseudonym goes much deeper than that. I am starting this blog in order to draw attention to all of the struggles the LGBT community at BYU (And in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints as a whole) is faced with. I do not want any attention for myself. Furthermore, I feel that any pity, concern, or heartbreak felt for me will diminish the impact of my words on your views of the Community I belong to. In short, this blog is not for me, but for you, and for the Mormon LGBT community.

So, welcome to my blog. I will be posting as often as time and inspiration allow. I hope somehow my words and experiences will be able to help someone. I am going to bear my soul, and press forward wherever this life leads me.

With hope,

John Bailey