Dating?

                I want to date guys. I want to find a guy to cuddle, to spend time with, to hold hands with and kiss. I want to love him, and feel that he loves me, but really, what is the point? What is the final goal? Even if I were to come out of the closet to the entire world, being an actual gay couple at BYU would be almost impossible to deal with.

Let’s examine this for a little bit. I see couples on campus hanging all over each other. They are in love and they are aggressively displaying that for all of the world to see. Maybe there is no visible sexual content, but these couples appear just seconds away from ripping each other’s clothing off and doing it right there in the library. It is lust pure and simple. These couples are mostly left alone, a sort of “don’t bother me I won’t bother you” mentality. Now let’s imagine a gay couple acting exactly the same way. I guarantee they would not be left alone. I also guarantee that the Honor Code Office would be called, and they would be reported. I would like to think that there would be no repercussions but honestly I am not too sure of that. Forget the people staring at them, and other problems caused by living in a hetero-central community, being an openly gay couple at BYU would paint a clear target on your forehead.

So how is it that a guy and a girl that barely know each other can make out just for fun, no commitment and no judgment, but two guys on a date is just way too much. I find it funny that the brilliant heterosexual population that brought us the Provo soak would have such a hard time accepting two men holding hands. The Mormon community sees homosexual violations of the law of chastity as much more damning and severe than heterosexual violations. Come on people, Sex is Sex, no matter how it is done or who it is between. Not everything in the church is clear, but to me, the Law of Chastity is. This double standard needs to stop.

The Atonement

I haven't posted in a long time. Over the last few months, I have come to understand my sexual identity a lot better. One thing that has particularly helped me recently was an essay I was assigned in my Religions Class. The essay was about the Atonement, and what it has done for me. This was shockingly difficult for me to do. Part of that is due to the fact that I have been distancing myself from God lately. I haven't read the Book of Mormon in at least a month. Prayers are sporadic, in short I am not doing anything to help myself out.

While contemplating the essential nature of the Atonement to the Plan of Salvation, holes started appearing in my knowledge of The Plan. We are sent here to start a family, and have children. Temple Marriage is essential. Eternal Increase. Adam and Eve. Suddenly I realized that I do not understand how I fit into this plan. How can I, someone who is not sexually attracted to women, ever create a family? How can I get married in the temple with out the constant fear that, due to my homosexuality, the union will shatter? Do I even want temple marriage? The more I thought about it the more confused I became, and the more frustrated.

Eventually I found myself awake, pondering this issue, and I was inspired to write the essay with complete honesty, telling the truth about my confusion, and coming out to my professor. I did just that, at 1 AM, and would like to share just the last paragraph with you.

"As a gay member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, I have many incredibly unique challenges and struggles. There are things that I deal with in my everyday life that my mother, father, brothers, grandparents, friends, best friends, bishop and Elders Quorum President can never understand. At times I feel completely alone, a distorted island in the middle of a serene, perfect ocean. It is times like this that I am gently, of in the case of this essay, not so gently, reminded of my Savior. He does not have to go through my life's experience to know exactly how I feel. He is a God. In my darkest hour, when I feel most alone, The Man of Sorrows has been there, and is there with me. This can bring me incredible comfort. It I also through this Atonement that I have learned more about myself. I know that through the Atonement of Jesus Christ, the dichotomy within me will one day be in harmony. My faith in his Plan leads me to believe that like those who died before Christ's ministry was completed, I too will be given the opportunity to claim all of the beautiful blessings given to me as a Son of God. Though situations on this mortal earth beyond my control seem to make that impossible, I believe that through the Atonement, I will receive these sacred blessings."

More to come.