Moving along

I came out to my straight roommate a few days ago. It was a very awkward conversation. I didn't really lead up to it, except for mentioning the girl from my previous post. Then I said something to the effect, "we're not together because I am gay." Ohh the silence! It felt like it was going to last forever, and just when I was about to get up and start shopping for a new apartment, my roommate speaks.

"Wait, so she doesn't have a boyfriend? You lied to me?"

And those were the first words he spoke to me as a gay man. No condemnation, no disgust, and no searching to determine if I thought he was cute, just playful banter. After a few minutes of joking, he told me it would take a few days for him to wrap his mind around this new information. I assured him I was exactly the same as I was before.

Three days later he walks into the room and asks, "so, you're gay? No problem."

It was an amazing feeling. No negative feelings, no distrust, in fact we are closer now than ever. Most importantly though, I am free. I don't lie, cover my tracks, or hide anything. It is an amazing feeling.

Leaving that Dark Closet.

At first, I did not understand coming out. A month ago I was perfectly happy hiding in my shell, hiding from the reality in front of me. I thought to myself, "no one needs to know I am Gay. It doesn't affect anyone but me, so why bother them." I would have been perfectly content hiding my true self from the world indefinitely, but then things started changing. I started talking to other gay people, discussing my difficulties and opinions with them. I started really thinking about myself, and came to the acceptance that I was gay. As these things started to fall into place, little things started to bother me.

My roommate for example, is as close to a playboy as you can get while remaining in the church. He dates often, is constantly texting different girls, and has kissed more girls this month than I have dated in my life (ok, maybe that is a slight overstatement, but the basic idea still stands). He is a very touchy-feely person when he likes you, and we are pretty close. He often shares his life difficulties with me, and is not above hugging me while I am lying in bed (His idea, I swear!).  He also wants to set me up. We met this beautiful girl a few months ago, and since then her and I have become close friends based on a few mutual interests, one of which is cooking. We have made quite a few meals together, and after every one my roommate asks me, "So when are you going to ask her out?" The question in my mind when I am with her has always been, "when am I going to tell her I am gay?" I have absolutely no intention of trying to fake it, but my sweet roommate is trying to help me out the only way he knows how, to fill the void he sees in my life, but I am sick of lying. I am tired of dodging questions. I am tired of awkward silences and uncomfortably casual assumptions. I need to be my gay self, and he needs to know it.

So where do I start? This last week I have been carefully probing his mind, steering conversations and asking questions. In short I have been trying to covertly judge his attitude towards the LGBT community, of which I am a part. I have been attempting to dodge some of his more personal physical touches. Of course, that has gotten me nowhere.  I have no idea how he feels, He could react by breaking out in song, or he might be mortified and sleep on the couch. I don't know, and I am scared, but I need to come clean. The last thing I want to do is make him feel strange, or uncomfortable. I don't want to lose him as a friend, and I want more than anything to keep our relationship exactly how it is, but it might not work out that way, so here's to my new beginning.

Dating?

                I want to date guys. I want to find a guy to cuddle, to spend time with, to hold hands with and kiss. I want to love him, and feel that he loves me, but really, what is the point? What is the final goal? Even if I were to come out of the closet to the entire world, being an actual gay couple at BYU would be almost impossible to deal with.

Let’s examine this for a little bit. I see couples on campus hanging all over each other. They are in love and they are aggressively displaying that for all of the world to see. Maybe there is no visible sexual content, but these couples appear just seconds away from ripping each other’s clothing off and doing it right there in the library. It is lust pure and simple. These couples are mostly left alone, a sort of “don’t bother me I won’t bother you” mentality. Now let’s imagine a gay couple acting exactly the same way. I guarantee they would not be left alone. I also guarantee that the Honor Code Office would be called, and they would be reported. I would like to think that there would be no repercussions but honestly I am not too sure of that. Forget the people staring at them, and other problems caused by living in a hetero-central community, being an openly gay couple at BYU would paint a clear target on your forehead.

So how is it that a guy and a girl that barely know each other can make out just for fun, no commitment and no judgment, but two guys on a date is just way too much. I find it funny that the brilliant heterosexual population that brought us the Provo soak would have such a hard time accepting two men holding hands. The Mormon community sees homosexual violations of the law of chastity as much more damning and severe than heterosexual violations. Come on people, Sex is Sex, no matter how it is done or who it is between. Not everything in the church is clear, but to me, the Law of Chastity is. This double standard needs to stop.

The Atonement

I haven't posted in a long time. Over the last few months, I have come to understand my sexual identity a lot better. One thing that has particularly helped me recently was an essay I was assigned in my Religions Class. The essay was about the Atonement, and what it has done for me. This was shockingly difficult for me to do. Part of that is due to the fact that I have been distancing myself from God lately. I haven't read the Book of Mormon in at least a month. Prayers are sporadic, in short I am not doing anything to help myself out.

While contemplating the essential nature of the Atonement to the Plan of Salvation, holes started appearing in my knowledge of The Plan. We are sent here to start a family, and have children. Temple Marriage is essential. Eternal Increase. Adam and Eve. Suddenly I realized that I do not understand how I fit into this plan. How can I, someone who is not sexually attracted to women, ever create a family? How can I get married in the temple with out the constant fear that, due to my homosexuality, the union will shatter? Do I even want temple marriage? The more I thought about it the more confused I became, and the more frustrated.

Eventually I found myself awake, pondering this issue, and I was inspired to write the essay with complete honesty, telling the truth about my confusion, and coming out to my professor. I did just that, at 1 AM, and would like to share just the last paragraph with you.

"As a gay member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, I have many incredibly unique challenges and struggles. There are things that I deal with in my everyday life that my mother, father, brothers, grandparents, friends, best friends, bishop and Elders Quorum President can never understand. At times I feel completely alone, a distorted island in the middle of a serene, perfect ocean. It is times like this that I am gently, of in the case of this essay, not so gently, reminded of my Savior. He does not have to go through my life's experience to know exactly how I feel. He is a God. In my darkest hour, when I feel most alone, The Man of Sorrows has been there, and is there with me. This can bring me incredible comfort. It I also through this Atonement that I have learned more about myself. I know that through the Atonement of Jesus Christ, the dichotomy within me will one day be in harmony. My faith in his Plan leads me to believe that like those who died before Christ's ministry was completed, I too will be given the opportunity to claim all of the beautiful blessings given to me as a Son of God. Though situations on this mortal earth beyond my control seem to make that impossible, I believe that through the Atonement, I will receive these sacred blessings."

More to come.

First Post

My name is John Bailey, and I am bisexual. Well, that's not entirely true. John Bailey is not my real name, and I might not even be bisexual, so, right now, you know almost nothing about me. Let me explain further.

I am very attracted to men. I would say 90/10 in favor of guys. I have also had a long term girlfriend, and I was sexually attracted to her. It is my dream to marry a woman in the temple, and to start a family with her, the traditional LDS life, with a dog, some kids, and a white picket fence. When I am being completely honest with myself though, I fear that I am-buried deep down-completely and totally gay; I just dont want to admit it. Keeping that (sort of) straight window open is my way of keeping the snow off of the road to my miracle, and my white picket fence. Either way, I am conflicted, and trying to figure out who I am.

Now for my name. I feel that I need to be completely honest with myself, and with all of you. Sure I am ashamed of many things I have done, but my pseudonym goes much deeper than that. I am starting this blog in order to draw attention to all of the struggles the LGBT community at BYU (And in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints as a whole) is faced with. I do not want any attention for myself. Furthermore, I feel that any pity, concern, or heartbreak felt for me will diminish the impact of my words on your views of the Community I belong to. In short, this blog is not for me, but for you, and for the Mormon LGBT community.

So, welcome to my blog. I will be posting as often as time and inspiration allow. I hope somehow my words and experiences will be able to help someone. I am going to bear my soul, and press forward wherever this life leads me.

With hope,

John Bailey