Friday, May 16, 2014

Leaving that Dark Closet.

At first, I did not understand coming out. A month ago I was perfectly happy hiding in my shell, hiding from the reality in front of me. I thought to myself, "no one needs to know I am Gay. It doesn't affect anyone but me, so why bother them." I would have been perfectly content hiding my true self from the world indefinitely, but then things started changing. I started talking to other gay people, discussing my difficulties and opinions with them. I started really thinking about myself, and came to the acceptance that I was gay. As these things started to fall into place, little things started to bother me.

My roommate for example, is as close to a playboy as you can get while remaining in the church. He dates often, is constantly texting different girls, and has kissed more girls this month than I have dated in my life (ok, maybe that is a slight overstatement, but the basic idea still stands). He is a very touchy-feely person when he likes you, and we are pretty close. He often shares his life difficulties with me, and is not above hugging me while I am lying in bed (His idea, I swear!).  He also wants to set me up. We met this beautiful girl a few months ago, and since then her and I have become close friends based on a few mutual interests, one of which is cooking. We have made quite a few meals together, and after every one my roommate asks me, "So when are you going to ask her out?" The question in my mind when I am with her has always been, "when am I going to tell her I am gay?" I have absolutely no intention of trying to fake it, but my sweet roommate is trying to help me out the only way he knows how, to fill the void he sees in my life, but I am sick of lying. I am tired of dodging questions. I am tired of awkward silences and uncomfortably casual assumptions. I need to be my gay self, and he needs to know it.

So where do I start? This last week I have been carefully probing his mind, steering conversations and asking questions. In short I have been trying to covertly judge his attitude towards the LGBT community, of which I am a part. I have been attempting to dodge some of his more personal physical touches. Of course, that has gotten me nowhere.  I have no idea how he feels, He could react by breaking out in song, or he might be mortified and sleep on the couch. I don't know, and I am scared, but I need to come clean. The last thing I want to do is make him feel strange, or uncomfortable. I don't want to lose him as a friend, and I want more than anything to keep our relationship exactly how it is, but it might not work out that way, so here's to my new beginning.


  1. Sleep on the couch? Ha ha, do you normally share a bed?

    1. Ha, that's funny. My original fear was that he would find the idea of sharing a room with me offensive, so he would leave. Thankfully that did not happen.