My Pain

I'm sitting here, five o'clock in the morning, after a day spent battling depression, and the ever present self-doubt. Spurned on, no doubt, by Adele's crooning in my ear, I have decided to write my heartbreak at the LDS Church's most recent change. I specifically state the church, because if this change is from God, then life is not worth living, and death would be just as bad.

I am sure that this topic needs no introduction nor clarification, but The Church of Jesus Christ [sic] of Latter Day Saints has recently clarified its stance on Gay marriage. Shockingly enough, they still hate it. My pain comes not from that specification, but rather from the depth of hate shown with this policy change. From now on, children of gay couples will not be granted baptism. I am not going to dwell on that much. Many people much more intelligent than I have already said much more than I ever could. I want to talk (or, more honestly, rant) about the subject of apostasy.

I fully embrace the fact that I struggle with my faith. Yes, sometimes I even fall into the category of a heretic, but I never in my life thought I would ever be labeled an apostate, much less labeled such because of a sincere desire to love and be loved. Now, as soon as I do get married to another male that I will love, and who will love me, I will forever wear this label. This label will earn me church disciplinary action, and that action will likely be excommunication for said apostasy. In the Church Handbook for Bishops and Stake Presidents, excommunication for apostate individuals is justified by a scripture in third Nephi, chapter 18 verse 31, which states that "But if he repent not he shall not be numbered among my people, that he may not destroy my people." Destroy. DESTROY?!?! Yes, the Mormon church is afraid that the eternal doctrine of "love" (which was mentioned numerous times in the official statement released in the form of a highly scripted Q&A session) and forgiveness that they claim to teach will be DESTROYED by.......what? More love? Acceptance?

Let me get straight to the truth as I see it. Since Thursday, calls to suicide hotlines have grown. Depression has grown. Many of us who were finally toying with the idea of becoming more active in Church were slammed face first into the gutter. People are literally dying, and the church is trying their damndest to push the LGBT community as far away away from them as possible.

So to the church I say this. This is not a passing fad of immorality. This is not recreational marijuana, nor is it premarital sex. This is real life. This is our reality and our hell, and our blood is on your hands.